In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
You Might Also Like
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
The Birdles
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Extremely relatable.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it