Good man! π¦π»π‘πͺπ
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βHow do you know themβ bro we go to the same social media
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Canβt, Iβm in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
βWell, thereβs no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess itβs okay.β
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, βEasy Like Sunday morning.β
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
When I say Iβm βgoing through somethingβ I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
cop: Iβm giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son