people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
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BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Go girl power!
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]