Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
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Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
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Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
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Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
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Stomped my foot against its head
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me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
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ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
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