If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
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[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen