“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
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Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
saw this in a dream
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf