Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
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31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
The French cow says MEUX…