11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
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“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?