Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
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“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.