[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
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Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son