I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
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My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.