My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
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4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
john wicks are toilet candles
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.