My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
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Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.