Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
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Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer