I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
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Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM