*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
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I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Selfie
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years