Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
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I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.