“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
You Might Also Like
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Tremendous stuff
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player