My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
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“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair