sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
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Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
#TopTip
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]