Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
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[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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1.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos