*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
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Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas