Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
You Might Also Like
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors