I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
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i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
The Book. The Movie.
Batman v Dracula
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Body by sandwich.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Okey dokey.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job