Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
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The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Muppet Screams
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay