Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
I’m giving up for Lent.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses