“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
You Might Also Like
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier