*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
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Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.