my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
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Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.