I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
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i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?