[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
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[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Do one person every day that scares you.
A friend sent me this.
You are what you delete.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs