Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
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“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*