I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
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I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
This a good idea
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.