I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
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Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
A drum solo but on your face.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.