[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
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“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.