BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
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Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.