Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
You Might Also Like
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?