Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
North and South
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.