likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
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WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
describing stardew valley
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Oh no
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”