Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
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The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.