A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
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People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.