Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
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british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?