That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
You Might Also Like
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
He wanted to make sure😂
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”