I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
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Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.