Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
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Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.