Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
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As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I need better friends
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
What?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude