Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
You Might Also Like
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup