There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
You Might Also Like
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
no their not
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda