*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
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I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there