One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
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I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Who needs an Air Fryer?